The Kind Of Love That Saves You

I started to re-read this book. It's been one of my favorites ever since I got hold of it agess back. It's the story of this woman who loses her husband while she is pregnant and how she fights the grief of losing him to learn to live again for her daughter. It's a beautiful book, written amazingly well.

I started reading the prologue;

Every persons journey is touched by loss. At some point in this life, someone will be taken away from you. The place where they were....empty. What you hoped might be....gone. Grief will reach in and wrap its roots tightly around your heart. You'll believe the pain will end you.

And I couldn't go on. Maybe now that I have someone to potentially lose, I can't read on. A shiver runs through my spine just imagining what it would be like to lose so much. I can't even imagine. It's beyond my capacity to think.

I love you bumblebee. Stay safe. I wonder if my life could possibly go on without you? And then I just pray I never ever have to find out.

Day 8: Burgers & Day 9: Pakoda ki Kadhi

Randomness!

Its 1am and I'm so not sleepy! Being absolutely jobless has its downside and boredom is one of them! I've spent enough time stalking random people on fb; for once im actually updated on all the emails I have to write to various people and Bumblebee has a suuper busy workday!

I was going through some old docs on my emails & found this unfinished story. I generally suck at writing fiction; the whole balance between narration & active dialogues is something I never got the hang of completely...but i actually like this one...perhaps I should actually finish it! Now if I could only remember what direction the story was supposed to take!

The Jump - August 2008

"Matt, catch me okay? Promise me you'll catch me..." She giggled as she ran towards the tanker.

She was walking through swirls of fog, the cold mist clinging to her skin and clothes. She held out her hand and realized that she couldnt even see past in. It was almost like being in a steam room, albeit a cold one. Dark moonless nights like these were when the heroine in the book was always attacked.

"Oh snap out of it Sandy...there is nothing sinister about this place...in fact its almost magical!" She muttered under her breath.

Carefully stepping out of her shoes she started to climb the creaking ladder which would take her atop the tanker. She could hear Matt, Dave and his new girl-friend in the background. Their voices were being carried by the fog around her and though she couldnt see them, she was suddenly glad for their voices.

"Come on Sandy...I'm freezing my ass here...will you do it already!" she heard Dave complain.

Typical she thought. "Hold on will you - these steps are slipperly!"

Gingerly she climbed the steps and reached her destination. The top of the tanker. She stood up there, the swirls of fog beneath her, the twinkling city lights like a golden carpet beckoning her and she felt bliss. Pure untarnished bliss. She prepared to jump, poising herself on the very edge of the tanker.

"Matt, you're down there right? I'm jumping!!"

"Babe i'm here for you. I'm waiting." That was all the encouragement Sandy needed.

She jumped.

Me, You & Wifi*...

...the modern love story!

So apparently what is absolutely essential to complete a love story in this generation is wifi! Lol! Technology has been super frustrating since I got to jkt. Given the clear reception that Sg phone services have; I'm superbly frustrated by the crappy reception in Indo. And for some reason this reception is only crappy with US! Talk about annoyingggg!!! We circumvented the phone line & realized that skype was working far better in terms of quality of conversation! And then what happens? My wifi starts acting up! Since last weekend, my wifi has been all wonky! Randomly connecting & disconnecting as it deems fit! I swear I miss the technology of a developed country! How am I supposed to have rambling conversations now? *sigh*

*courtesy Bumblebee :))

Day 7: Kathi Roll & Chocolate Sponge Cake

Today was an interesting combination of healthy vs non-healthy food! Kathi Roll is one of Bumblebee's favourite dishes so learning that was kind of mandatory! :D

Baking - i absolutely love doing! I used to love watching mom bake as a kid. And in my opinion, the best part of baking a cake - is eating raw batter!! There is seriously nothing better than that! :D

I really want to learn a few more baking items - at some point, brownies & chocolate chip cookies as well! :)) Brownies reminds me of that scene from "Life as We Know It" where Katherine Heigl & Josh Duhamel (who btw is ultra ultra cute!) make magic brownies! Now that's one thing i would not mind trying at some point! :P

Anyways, pics from today!

Retail Therapy!!!

Today I took the day off from cooking! And went out shopping with mom & her friend! And did my favourite kind of shooping - heels! I was in girl-heaven! :D

My loot - 3 super cute & very useful heels! I loooove shopping! :))

Day 6: Pav Bhaji & Kesar Sandesh

And today I made my favourite foods! Pav Bhaji & Kesar Sandesh! Sandesh is a Bengali sweetdish which is super awesome! Its one of my mom's top-secret dishes! She generally makes this when she has to impress someone - it tastes amazingly yummy and yet is surprisingly easy to make! :D

Day 5: My alone self in the Kitchen

So today I was a-m-a-z-i-n-g! :D Mom actually did not enter the kitchen at all while I produced the super tasty meal below! :D You know I kind of like this whole domestic goddess avatar! Lol! Let's hope I can re-create these things once I finally settle down in US!

Day 4: A Full Indian Lunch

The menu for today was a proper indian lunch. My fav dish, bhindi; tamatar ki sabzi for my dad who doesnt like bhindi, yellow daal and garam rotis! Daal is actually something that ive never gotten around to learning how to cook. I'm pretty okay with veges but understanding what goes into a daal and how it should be cooked - well that was a hurdle! Now that i sorta have a hang of it; need to figure out how to remember the different kinds of daal! How am i supposed to know which one is udat, toor, moong.........lol!

Also I actually made sorta round rotis! now thats def an achievement! altho most of my rotis still come out looking square shaped or fish-shaped!!!

Anyways, pic of the full meal! :)

Day 3: Poha, Chole & Tomato Soup!

I actually woke up early to go for aerobics today! Today was a super fun day actually! Aerobics in the morning - we did Body Language today which is supposed to be toning & stretching exercises mostly. Muscles I did not know existed in my abdomen are paining right now!! *sigh* I really need to get back in shape...hopefully a month is enough for that!

Anyways, I guess there is some basis to the thought that exercise gives you an adrenaline rush coz I actually had a pretty active day! Came back from aerobics and cooked breakfast & lunch! Made poha for breakfast which is one my all time favourite garam nashta items! :) and made kala chole for lunch which go perfectly with bhatura but i ended up making rotis in an effort to be health conscious!

Pics below - !

After that spent my whole afternoon on the phone with Bumblebee! I love the fact that we can chit chat for hours about anything & everything ranging from serious discussions on marriage, life, etc all the way to random chit chat & observations about life. We do think alike in a lot of ways on life in general and i love that! :))

In the evening I went for a looong walk with mom; her giving me marriage gyaan! lol! Its gonna take a while before this whole mom giving me advise on how to deal with a guy in my life sinks in! Its pretty amazing how life changes so fast! Was also walking with dad after dinner (for which btw i made a very healthy tomato soup! am i not super awesome? ;)) Its always refreshing to talk to dad; esp when my mom frustrates me a little with her inability to look at life from my point of view. Dad always has an interesting take on things. And even though it may not be what I wanted him to think/ say, it always gives me something more to think about. And i absolutely love these alone chats with my dad coz he is one person that i dont have to think whether it will hurt him before i say anything (like i often have to with mom!) He just accepts, tries to rationalize it and if not understand completely, will def attempt to understand where im coming from! :))

So yea, happening friday it was! So very different from my Friday just 2 weeks back! How life changes....and so many more changes yet to come!!!

Moms & Daughters

What is with moms & daughters?

Do all moms have this super possessive hold on their daughters?

Does being the mom of a young woman render you incapable of practical thought?

I dont understand you mom. I love u but I really don't understand you.

I'm engaged to him; we've made a commitment to each other...why would anything happen abhi? Why would I mess this up? Why would he? Yes I've tossed your idea of a typical arranged marriage but didn't you already know that about me? With my dreams and head in the air, how could I have ever settled for the staid & practical arranged marriage? I always wanted the spark, the chemistry & the magic. You knew that. And I got it. So why is this so terrifying to you mom? Why?

I wish you would realize that I'm happy and that it's okay for you to let go. I can hold on to life on my own now. And having him in my life does not diminish my love for you in any way. You'll always be my mom right? No one is taking that away from you. In fact you have someone else to call you mom!!!

Trust me for once, let me go and be happy for me....because I love him & I love you and I hate feeling torn between both of u!

Day 2: Samosas & Sprout Chaat

How to be a Good Wife - the Cooking Lessons!

And the lessons to become a good wife begin! The first of many more to come in the next month, is cooking!! Since bumblebee is a big foodie; mom is after my life to learn some new stuff everyday!

Day 1 was Spinach Bruschetta & Fried Rice :)) - and it tasted quite yum! :))

Bye Bye Singapore

I'm actually leaving...
A place that's been home for more than 7 years...
A place that's seen me grow up from a naive 18 year old to this young woman I am today...
A place that showed me the the highest of highs & the lowest of lows...
Where I cried, laughed, made mistakes and learnt life...
Friends made, friendships broken, memories in every corner...
Drunken nights a-plenty & conversations about the most random things!
Clubbing till the morning, lunches in raffles, cycling at ECP, walks with various friends, shopping in orchard, drinks at so many pubs!
Thousands of images, all blurring into one another...

The place where I discovered who I was;
Where I slowly came to realize what I wanted in life...
Where I met you; and started writing the new chapter of my life!
Yes this place is special! Very special.
Not only did Singapore make me who I am today; but it brought me to you :)
And for that I will be forever grateful!

I am going to miss this place...
More than I thought I would!

Bye Bye Singapore!
Au Revoir! :))

Crossroads

Do memories disappear when you throw the things associated with them? Do the feelings associated with the things you once cherished get forgotten now that you've got the courage to throw the things away? Memories fade; leaving a blur of emotions, ups & downs and just life!

And yet again I find myself at a crossroad in life. This one I chose for myself; this crossroad I know exactly where im going; where im supposed to be. Whether that road is gonna be simpler; less strifed with thorns; nicer to me - I have no clue. I guess that's the point of life - to keep you wondering of what's yet to come. To keep you guessing what turn is life going to take next.

While I celebrate the tomorrow & the road im going to embark on; I can't help but look back. Wistful of the youth I'm leaving behind. The mistakes made; the lessons learnt; the people I loved & the people I hated. All lie in that path. Forgotten, forgiven, swept away with the sands of time...

Weeks, Days, Hours, Minutes...

...I countdown every moment
Har pal jo tumse door rehti hoon
Its as long as a millenium
I count down the days
To the moment that I'm in your arms again!

Mornings I look forward to now
Knowing it always brings a msg from you,
"Good morning sweetheart"
Is there any doubt, that a morning
that begins with your love would be anything but?

My afternoon rushes past;
in countless messages & random conversations
My evenings seem longer
As I wait for the sun to rise in
Your part of the World!

The days that should be short with
the amount of work I have
Are only lengthened by the number of
Hours I spend not talking to you

I miss you jaan...

To Us!

You just know when u meet the right person; that he's the one for you.

When people used to say that to me, it would just piss me off. I would know; seriously?! Like would there be a bell that rang or a song that played or a whisper from God saying he's the one?! I just never could get it. And each time I liked someone, I waited for a sign from the universe; telling me that this was meant to be. Don't get me wrong, its not that I don't believe in destiny; let's just say that at times I didn't have very much faith in mine. And even tho I wasn't always waiting for the right person to walk past, I forever thought it would be nice to have someone sweep me off my feet na?

Today, I'm with someone and u know what; all those bloody idiots were right - sometimes u do just know! And no it wasn't a bell or a song or even a whisper. In fact it wasn't even in the first meeting. We met in an ordinary circumstance on a normal day. Between parents & other family. We had been talking for some time and I thought I was fairly comfortable with him. The first meeting was good but awkward. I was trying not to say much (courtesy loads of advice from family to not be super chatty as guys apparently don't like such girls! *eyes rolling*) and he was just trying to figure me out! The first thing that struck me about what he said, was that he was looking for a partner in his life. And he couldn't find that person in a week. (sthin that's fairly atypical of most guys in the arranged marriage scenario) We spoke some more & even if he had no clue what he wanted by then; I knew I liked him. :) I had no clue whether it would even go anywhere further...and for once I didn't think beyond.

We met a few more times after and talked for a few more weeks. About everything & anything. I didn't even realize I was falling for him until that moment in a crowded club that I looked up into his eyes and then, I actually just knew. I knew that I wanted to be with this person who made me laugh; who made me comfortable enough to be myself around him; who teased me mercilessly about everything & anything; who listened; who loved life & had a passion for living; who was fun & easy to be with; who made my life that much brighter every day. I really just knew.

Whether it's the jolt of love at first sight; a sudden realization of a best friend that u actually love or like us; the slow creeping of love between two people; I can honestly say, that sometimes u just know when the person is right for you. :)

This is to u my sweetheart; and the many years of togetherness we have signed up for. :) *hugz*

Married!

It's been a week since my best friend got married. Married. Do any of us really sit down and think of the finality of that word? Or is just in my head that it sounds so final??

The wedding was simple & beautiful. Both my friend and her fiancé looked very happy and were very involved with each other throughout the wedding. I love weddings where the bride & groom are constantly talking to each other, each so comfortable with the other that the words and jokes flow easily. It was a brief moment when I would see S quietly murmur something and K either blush or try to keep from bursting out laughing in the middle of a very serious ritual. But along with the light heartedness, there was a sincerity to the whole event. In the mantras that S so diligently repeated, in the solemn tying of the thaali, in the tears that escaped from uncle's eyes, and how the little-yet-grown-up-sister was slowly taking in the fact that her sister was getting married.

I really have no words for the rush of emotions that came pouring down in those 2 days. It's like how I tried to explain to another friend; "you know how you feel, when you're best friend gets her period before you do? That bittersweet mix of envy, happiness and awe." I think this is something like that. The envy stemmed from the surety of K's actions. How confident she was, how she never for a moment looked across the fire; unnerved, how her smiles and her body language just naturally fit with that of S, how they both seemed so comfortable with each other that I had a hard time believing this was the same couple who didn't even know each other till a year back. I couldn't be more happier for her. Really. I think she deserves this happiness completely and after spending brief moments in time with him; I would say he deserves her too. Because after all she's been ours all this while. And we're all giving her away. With tears, smiles, even hoots for that matter as she stepped out in her gorgeous wedding saree. I am in awe of the way she has handled everything. The maturity, the depth of emotion and the pure K-ness about it all! :))

Apart from the wedding, the trip was wonderful as I got to catch up with all my high school friends! Some who I haven't met since we graduated! We all realized that we would meet mostly every 6 months from here on as K has so wonderfully set the trend for marrying! I see several people lined up already for the next few months! There goes all my vacation days flying out of the window! *hmph* Regardless, this is a brilliant way to meet up with old friends, discover new cities and try new stuff! (fodder for another blog post!)

Anyways, To K, I love you sweetheart and wish you all the very very best in your future. I have no doubts that you guys will have a fantabulous life together. I just hope we don't drift too far apart over the years.

To Marriage, I'm still super skeptical of you. And I don't know if I ever will be completely convinced that you work. But for now, seeing the positiveness surrounding K; hmmm maybe you're not so bad after all huh? :)

Farewell!

I cant believe she's leaving...it's slowly sinking in what life would be without her constantly around me...it hurts to even think about it! :(

I'm going to miss you beyond words

In feelings that cannot be expressed

In the small moments of everyday and the big turning points of my life

The beauty sessions

The drinking nights

The heart-to-heart talks

And the mundane in between

The disagreements

The values clash

The lines we tried to define

To make us each the people we are today

You've been there for

Every heartbreak

Every joy

Every accomplishment

And now I wonder what joy

Life would hold

If I couldn't share it

With you

It's the end of an era

A chapter in the book of life

And even though I know

The next chapter is good and beautiful

I can't help but mourn the end of this one.

I'm going to miss you friend

Don't forget me okay?

Signing off with hugz and kisses

From your dearest well-wisher

Lots of love!!! <3

Random updates

its been a while since ive done random updates here! so bullet point wise - lets tell u a little of whats happening in moi life! :D

- i wonder what it says about me, when ive got two travel plans lined up in the next 4 months, another one tentatively planned and am itching to plan a 4th which would also mark my 25th bday! this especially after 3 months of non-stop travel! im wondering if mommy is right and im just a teeeny tiny bit obsessed with travel?!

- work, work, work. i don't think ive done so much work as i have in the last 5 weeks since the beginning of the year. altho if i look back, my beginning of the years are always very hectic and things tend to take a steadier pace through summer. lets hope this year holds true to that - i don't think i have the stamina to do 14 hour workdays continuously. altho truth be told, i love it! :D its insane, i crib about it but honestly its such a rush!

- the best friend is going to be leaving for good soon. im still grappling with the concept of not having her at half n hours notice, day or night. *sigh* how am i going to cope without u babe?

- i haven't spoken (and whatsapp does not count!) to my bro in at least 2 weeks. he's busy studying and attending interviews; and im just busy. :(

- what is with people around me? every second conversation i seem to be having these days is about marriage. i so want to say 'grow up people' but im sure someone will point out that the marriage talk is the mark of growing up! hmph!
- valentine's day this year was a complete blah! i fell horribly sick in the morning and proceeded to spend the rest of the day wallowing in my bed & self medicating on panadol. i think all i really need a a day of doing nothing - felt completely back to normal today! :)

- i am missing old friends who r geographically sooo far! contrary to my love for travelling, i wish people i loved lived within a 5 mile radius of me and i could go and plonk myself at their doorstep whenever i needed them!

- its raining cats & dogs and hence freezing cold in office! i wanna go home now and have garam garam chai! :D

so what have u been upto???