Not Ready!

*begin rant*

There are days like today when I am just not ready to be a mom. Not ready to be a wife, a homemaker. I just don't want to be. All of these labels are just too constricting, too tight and I feel like I can't breathe. Cannot Breathe.

When the LO is being especially clingy & not eating properly & fighting every damn nap?!

When the husband is so stressed at work that he doesn't even have one nice smile/word to say to you when he gets back home!

When according to ur mother, ur feeding your LO all the wrong things & that's why she is not eating right now!

When according to all the parenting books, all the choices you have made so far are responsible for your life with the LO not being instagram-perfect!

Gah

All I want is one damn minute of peace to myself

All I want is to go back & denounce these roles...I just want to be. Just be.

All I want is to not go to sleep with yet another heavy head, another fight and another miserable day under the belt - is that too much to ask for?

*sigh*

*end rant*

Life & Questions

How do you define space in a marriage? How do you define abilities in a marriage? If you are not good at a certain skill or couldn't care less re it, is it right for your partner who cares so much more about it to keep harping on it? To make judgements, to try to 'improve' the other? To constantly talk about it, as if life would be impossible without?

How do you define what is acceptable to 'nag' about and what isn't? 

*sigh* life is never without questions is it?

WHY?!?

Will the blackmail ever stop? Will the undercutting and emotional drama ever cease? Am I going to victim to yet another temper tantrum just because things are not going your way? Are things never ever going to change? Will you never grow up and be an adult? Someone who can talk, reasonably & objectively? Someone who understands the word empathy...of walking a mile in another's shoe...of understanding perspectives!!! 

When the f*ck are you going to grow up?! Why can't u just talk to me instead of throwing a fit and taunting?!?

And why am I here again, a mature 27 year old, in tears because of what you said, yet again.

Why why why why why why why why???

Moms & Daughters

What is with moms & daughters?

Do all moms have this super possessive hold on their daughters?

Does being the mom of a young woman render you incapable of practical thought?

I dont understand you mom. I love u but I really don't understand you.

I'm engaged to him; we've made a commitment to each other...why would anything happen abhi? Why would I mess this up? Why would he? Yes I've tossed your idea of a typical arranged marriage but didn't you already know that about me? With my dreams and head in the air, how could I have ever settled for the staid & practical arranged marriage? I always wanted the spark, the chemistry & the magic. You knew that. And I got it. So why is this so terrifying to you mom? Why?

I wish you would realize that I'm happy and that it's okay for you to let go. I can hold on to life on my own now. And having him in my life does not diminish my love for you in any way. You'll always be my mom right? No one is taking that away from you. In fact you have someone else to call you mom!!!

Trust me for once, let me go and be happy for me....because I love him & I love you and I hate feeling torn between both of u!